[a dark comedy I wrote last year... not based on actual events, haha]
Bits of his once intact skull and brain
plastered my face, overshadowing all logical thought of what I should
do next- so I threw up. It seemed that once I had added my own bodily
fluids to the scene my brain was able to function at full cognitive
capacity. I began frantically to search for towels and bleach. My
head scanned the room faster than my eyes could keep up with. Where
would bleach be?
Check under the kitchen sink,
honey.
My head stopped in
place- eyes fixed on the bottom cupboard. Right, thanks mom! My legs
propelled my body forward before it even knew what was going on.
Hey, did you
know that scientists discovered that your subconscious brain knows
what you're going to do next before you even decide to do it. It's
true! A brain scan showed that regions of your brain became
stimulated a split second before you actually decide to do something!
Isn't that crazy?!
Yes, that's pretty
cool Sid but I don't really have time for that right now. My hands
gripped the handles of the cupboards and jerked them open. My pupils
felt huge. Everything seemed brighter.
That's the
adrenaline rushing through you. It makes your eyes dila-
Thanks Sid, but can
you get mom or dad now. I need their help. I saw the bleach and
grabbed it with a quick, robotic move. I stood and turned back to the
living room- back to the bloodied, near headless body.
Don't forget
the towels!
Shit. I flung back
around. I saw a towel hanging from the handle of the oven, but that
was it. Fuck. That won't do.
We keep ours in
the biggest drawer, near the bottom. Maybe check in theirs.
I did. It was
between the stove and the refrigerator. I set the bleach down and
opened the drawer. Yes, piles of glorious towels- all shapes and
sizes. I reached both arms in as deep as they could go until my
knuckles hit the wood bottom. Plush fabric caressed my arms.
I never liked
folding towels.
Yeah, me neither. I
hauled the towels out and wrangled the handle of the bleach with my
pinky.
You don't need
to take the groceries all in one trip. That's how things get dropped!
Well, I do now mom.
I walked quickly to the scene. One of the top towels slipped off on
the way there.
Told you!
I dropped
everything on the leather couch. The heavy plastic bleach bottle made
a smack sound on it, the way things do on leather.
He's lucky he
doesn't have a cat otherwise that shit would be scratched to all
hell!
Dad never did like
our cat. I turned to the body again. It was still there on the floor,
a large chunk of its head missing. Parts of its still pink brain were
visible.
Coool!
There was so much
blood- blood everywhere.
It's because
the brain receives the majority of the body's blood flow, relative to
other organs.
Thanks again Sid!
Alright, now what? I can't exactly clean the scene with the body
still here, but if I move it, it'll just streak across the entire
goddamn apartment.
You should've
grabbed a garbage bag- put it undern-
-neath the body, and
drag it on that. Good idea dad! I spun back to the kitchen, my body
moving ahead of me. I looked again under the sink. Sure enough, a
nice big box of black bags. I snatched it. Back in the living room I
gripped the garbage bag that was sticking out, then let the box fall
to the floor. The bag rolled out and freed itself. I looked for the
end, checking the top then the bottom then the top again.
I can never
tell which end opens either. You know, if I made garbage bags
I wou-
Not now dad. I
found the end that opened and peeled it apart until I could fling it
in the air and let it inflate. Then I walked to the body. Gripping
the sticky, wet hair on the part of the head that remained, I lifted
the top half of the body up and slipped the garbage bag over it. Then
I rotated the body so the bag wouldn't drop in the giant pool of
blood quickly soaking into the carpet.
You better get
that quick before it's too late!
I know mom, but I
gotta deal with this body first. I pulled at its belt and waist until
it was clear of the blood then rotated it again. I bent down to grab
the body.
Woah son! Bend
with your legs. That's how you wreck your back!
I stood back up,
then bent at my knees. Gripping under the shoulders I lifted up the
body and slowly dragged it across the apartment. Dragged sounds like
it was easy. I inched the body- feet shuffling backwards. Dead bodies
are heavy. That's the main thing I learned while hauling this
lifeless carcass past the kitchen to the bathroom.
“Lifeless
carcass” is a bit redundant.
I finally got the
lifeless carcass to the bathroom, where I leaned it against the
bathroom tub. I jogged back to the soaked carpet. Blood still pooled
the area where the head had been- or where the head had been, had
been.
Funny.
I could smell my
own vomit as well. It was in a pool all its own, only slightly
mingling with the crimson. I grabbed the top towel and spread it out
as much as I could. One stack of towels later and the carpet was
covered with a shitty, not-yet-knit quilt. I got another garbage bag
from the box still sitting on the floor, and scooped the towels into
it. Next I began the tedious process of looking for and picking up
the itty-bitty pieces of skull and brain that littered the carpet.
Brain is squishy. I examined a small chunk between my thumb and
forefinger. I could make out the wrinkles and curves.
Intelligence
actually has nothing to do with the size of the brain. It's the
surface area and number of neurons. Usually the more wrinkled it is
the more cognitively advanced it is.
Interesting. To
think this moist pink chunk of meat once processed vast amounts of
information at breathtaking speeds. The chemicals that coded some of
his memories are still trapped in there, never to travel to other
regions of the brain again. Amazing.
I tossed it into the garbage
bag.
Once I was near
certain every fragment of a once intact human was picked up I
examined the still soaked carpet. I would need bleach, lots of
bleach.
Next time you
should really kill someone who has wood flooring, honey.
Yeah, I know. I
grabbed the bleach bottle and began to pour liberal amounts onto the
once white carpet. I let it soak for a few minutes while I looked in
the fridge for something to eat or drink. I was beginning to worry he
didn't have any good post-murder snacks, when I opened a Styrofoam
take out box to find a nice piece of cherry pie.
Chew with your
mouth closed!
Sorry. When I
finished the pie I recycled the Styrofoam and threw the fork into the
garbage. I then grabbed the last towel I had deliberately left behind
and used it to begin scrubbing the carpet.
Hey! Don't scrub it dear. You have
to blot blood. Blot! Blot! Blot!
I blotted. I
blotted for what seemed like hours. It was probably only ten minutes-
if that. Either way, when I looked at the carpet again I couldn't
even see my masterpiece. Terrific. I threw the last towel into the
garbage and knotted it shut. I walked back to the bathroom- the body
still propped against the bathtub. I then saw myself in the mirror.
My face was caked with dried blood- maroon face paint. I washed my
face in the sink, then turned back around. Fuck. I still didn't know
how I'm gonna get rid of the body. I looked it over up and down-
shoes to garbage bagged head, as if just staring at it enough would
give me an answer.
Have you seen
Breaking Bad?
Of course I've seen
Breaking Ba-
More
like Breaking GOOD! Am I right?!
Shut up Dad. Yes
I've seen Breaking Bad, Sid, but how is that gonna hel- oh... right.
I quickly got back to work.
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