Episodes of the Absurd and Meaningless #3

Cafes can be pretty pretentious places. Actually you know who's really pretentious? Fast food places- thinking we want the same things, the same atmosphere over and over and over again. Or they're just smart and know that people are boring, and need oxygen to live. Adrian and Lars walked into a McDonald's now. They ordered black coffee and sat down at a table.

How have you been? Adrian said.

I've been well. Lars said.

That's good to hear. Adrian said.

It is. Lars said.

How have I been? Adrian said.

Ah yes, how have you been? Lars said.

Well, my dad died. Adrian said.

Oh, I'm sorry. Lars said.

No it's fine, I have an Oedipus complex. Adrian said.

Oh, well that's a good thing then. Lars said.

It is. Adrian said.

So how have you been? Lars said.

You've asked that already. In fact, we just got done having that conversation not a moment before you asked that question. Adrian said.

Ah, you are absolutely right. It must just be filler because he's unsure how to continue. Lars said.

That might be right. Adrian said.

It probably is. Lars said.

Well at least you redeemed yourself by being aware of why you said such a stupid thing by using your keen ability to read. Adrian said.

Thank you, though technically that wasn't me either. Lars said.

That is true. Adrian said.

This is true. Lars said.

I don't understand why people say 'this is true.' This, during conversation, would seem to me to refer to something that someone had said themselves. So if another person says something that is true it seems more appropriate to say 'that is true' because that, during conversation, would seem to me to refer to something that someone else had said. Adrian said.

That is an astute point you pretentious asshole. Lars said.

I assume you aren't talking to me so I will say thank you. Adrian said.

Your welcome. Lars said.

Shall we move the conversation along since it seems there is a struggle to create a segue? Adrian said.

We shall. What did you do last night? Lars said.

I killed my father. Adrian said.

Ah, of course. How silly of me to ask. Lars said.

Haha it does seem silly of you after all you are a professor in Greek mythology and literature. Adrian said.

I am. How embarrassing. Lars said.

It's okay. So what did you do last night? Adrian said.

I watched two females have sex. Lars said.

Oh. Adrian said.

One of them had a penis. Lars said.

Oh. Adrian said.

Yes, it was quite entertaining. Lars said.

Did you pleasure yourself during? Adrian said.

Of course I did. Did you? Lars said.

Not during obviously, but after of course. I do have an Oedipus complex after all. Adrian said.

That is very true. Lars said.

Thank you. Adrian said.

For? Lars said.

Your correction. Adrian said.

Oh, it is no problem. You were absolutely right and I now realize that everyone who says otherwise of that point is an ignorant peon. Lars said.

Oh, well thank you you arrogant prick. Adrian said.

It is now I who know you aren't talking to me so I will say thank you. Lars said.

You are very welcome. Adrian said.

It was at this point that Robert arrived on a small bike. It is probably important to note that Robert is a chimpanzee who wears small human clothes including a very amusing hat. If you picture it it should probably elicit a small laugh or chuckle. I say probably important because I'm not sure how he's important or even if he is at all.

Oh, hello Robert. Lars said.

Now it is important to note here that chimpanzees cannot speak any human languages, including English, but they are extremely intelligent and can recognize greetings. Robert made several vocalizations in response to Lars's greeting.

Hello Robert. Adrian said.

Robert made the same vocalizations to Adrian's greeting.

You know, I never did get your name. Lars said.

I did not get yours either actually. Adrian said.

My name is Kevin. Lars said.

It is very nice to meet you Kevin. My is John. Adria- John said. Goddamn it. Their names are Kevin and John. Goddamn it- I thought they were Lars and Adrian. Fuck.

Robert, understanding that these were greetings, again began to make vocalizations. Of course Robert is a chimpanzee and probably didn't understand that they're names were different, but it seems he knew them before so perhaps he did know their names were Kevin and John, but then again it seemed that Kevin and John knew each other before this meeting yet they didn't know eachother's names so perhaps Robert actually didn't know their names.

Can I ask something? Kevin said.

I don't suppose why not. John said.

Are we on some sort of psychedelic such as mushrooms or lysergic acid diethylmine? Kevin said.

No. John said.

Oh thank god. Kevin said.

You're welcome.

We're on heroin. John said.

No that can't be possible. I think I would remember if I had stuck a needle into my arm. Kevin said.

Are you sure? John said.

It was at this time that Kevin looked down at his arm to see not one, not two, but three needles still puncturing his arm.

Fuck, I didn't even get to drink my black coffee. Kevin said.

Kevin then immediately died.

Well aren't you a fucking cliché. John said.

Who are you talking to? Robert said.

I don't know. John said.

Wait- why the fuck did Robert talk? Goddamn it. Well I guess that answers if he's important or not. Any hypothetical or real talking chimpanzee would probably be quite important. Well not necessarily. We would firstly need to know more about Robert and secondly have to define important and what constitutes importance. Either way how the fuck did I not know that Robert talked?

John left.

Robert biked out.

Two full cups of very pretentious lukewarm black coffee sat alone on a table.